I am not a social person I guess.To be clear I always feel that I don’t fit in..fit in this world. Though I usually spent (waste) a reasonable part of my time on social networking sites..I feel even that space is alien to me. When 99% of my friends find content in posting photos, updating statuses saying simple routine things like having coffee at so n so place, selfies,group selfies …I wonder how boring my life is and that it doesn’t make any sense.I wonder what I have done in life and where it is taking me. I envy on how cool my friends lives are when the only difference between them and me is that I do pretty much the same things but never bother to take pics or update status.May be I am the odd one out. I feel that I am trying to be someone else if I do things like that. It s not so like me.I have blindly fixed some standards for me and just sticks on to that.Not at all cool.
Sometimes I try to get completely detached by deactivating my account.However since I think I am sort of addicted ,end up activating it again. I tried that again this morning and like you have guessed my account is active again after few hours. phew!! hopeless!!
These days I am experiencing a mix of emotions, like at one moment I feel I am the happiest person on earth,next instant I feel terrible,hopeless and otherwise relaxed which is best of the lot where it feels like I am trying to figure out who I am or what I am. I wish I could have started the post on a cheerful note like..Hello my dears!! I missed this place so much.It feels good to be back n all but there is something about this space that I usually turn to it to throw away my emotional baggage.
Past few months I have come in terms with the fact that this life is yours and you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone. Another word that haunted me these days was “trust”. Should i trust him? or her..I started doubting everyone ..I dint want my poor heart to be shattered.
One of my friends gave me a preach on what is life without expectation,hope,trust.Poor guy he didn’t even realize that I was talking about him. I am just scared to get too close to people. I would get possessive and addicted and can’t even imagine how I will react when the same person breaks your trust. So I chose the safe option never get close to anyone..pretty bad option when all I want is to be with them.
What more? hmm We had an intercollege fest in our college..a grand one..And I ended up sitting lazily at home with an excuse ‘None of my friends are going..so how will I?’ I get sick of myself,my so-called attitude when all my heart wanted was to enjoy the fest.pity on me!! Yeah I pity myself how I am not lucky enough to have fun in life,knowing that all it prevents me from having fun is myself.
Recently I love being with this guy,our friendship is growing slowly n like usual I don’t trust him enough. I can read from his eyes that he is attracted to me and strangely I get possessive for him.I hate it when he ignores me purposely.Yes he does that sometimes,if what I could read from his eyes are correct. Don’t tell me I am in love with him..he is remotely related to the kind of guy I will fall in love with (if someone like that exists). If S is reading this post I am positive that he ll get that I am talking about him. 🙂
Our campus recruitments are going on. I have successfully attended 2 such placements which obviously I couldn’t get through, partly because of my lack of interest. First interview was kinda hilarious.The reason I wasnt hired was my answer to their simple question.”Do you like to code during your free time? “They might be hearing a NO for an answer for the first time.They looked at each other for sometime.and that explains it all.Anyways I wasn’t interested in the firm at the time as I heard many bad reviews about them.But after 2 interviews I feel that I should have taken it bit more seriously.I doubt whether I would get placed somewhere.But its ok .everything in life happens for a reason 🙂
That’s it..I hope to write more often.It feels good as I always say 🙂
As each drop fell into the heart of earth
I watched silently
admiring the silver strings from heaven.
My mind longed to get drenched
Something held me back
fear or pessimist mind unwilling to change
I gazed and gazed…
until I realized
I was losing…
The courage my mind gathered gone vain
The rain had already ceased
Time had flapped its wings
Before I could reach out my hands.