Insight

I have thoughts brimming out of my heart

But I fear what others think I am

I have stringed the words for the crowd

But I fear what others think I am

My words are dancing at the tip of my tongue

But I fear what others think I am

My eyes cherish a dream

But I fear what others think I am

My steps know my destination

But I fear what others think I am

I know who stands in my path

The fear what others think  I am.

Why should I when it’s me who lives my life?

-Al

From the heart of a coward

What is the most important quality you need to attain success ? He asked. We remained silent..Some said qualities like skills,knowledge,communication skills. I remained silent. In fear I was. I was scared whether he is going to shoot the question at me. It was our first day of campus training. Then he said it “Courage is the key element of success”. Yes one thing I lack I suppose. I live in fear.Fear of being judged..fear of making mistakes..fear of making fool out of myself in public. After a long session about different aspects of success he asked anyone of us to come forward and give feedback..So as usual yours faithfully sat there silent..yes out of fear-stage fear/fear of speaking in public/fear of being judging..you name it..Even provoking words couldn’t move me from my position..Ok he didn’t ask any specific person to speak..but anyone from the crowd and I was one timid soul in that crowd.

Two three sessions of the class failed  to make any impact on me..It was like calling a person with some others name..No use.. I was glad that the training was about to end after the next session and I have successfully escaped from being the center of attention.These training were for 2 days. Each day there will be 2 sessions..about three hours in the morning and three afternoon..

So after having a relaxing lunch from the hostel..we walked lazily to the classroom. There he was a tall arrogant looking man with a shining bald head..He looked somewhat like the Mtv anchor Raghu . I felt shivers run down my spine. Moreover we were late. He allowed us to enter the class after making faces. The man perhaps doesn’t even know the word ’empathy’. He was just rude to everyone.He would pass rude comments,made fun of us..I am the kind of person who wants a push to do something.Speaking in public I need someone to be specific and pick me out. I think he knew that secret. He gave a topic to each of us and asked us to speak about it for few minutes..He asked what my hobbies were ..Me confused even about who I am ,replied with the cliched hobbies-reading ,listening to music…So uncreative of me!!!!!! Next question was “Your Favorite singer?” Err who is my favorite singer..I kept searching each fold of my brain for a singers name..Rusty brain I suppose!!! Then I got the name Atif Aslam!!! Ok fine your topic is “Atif’ speak about him!!!!He said.

What ? I know nothing about him ..How am I supposed to speak  a full 5 minutes about him..I felt my fear knocking hard at my heart..as if it will burst my heart. I felt like running out of the door..Good thought!! but absolutely stupid. Finally I decided to  take the chance..I went there and spoke something rubbish…Then there was a mock interview. I sat before the  class and all of them were asked to shoot a question..To be frank it felt good..I found my fear slowly melting away..I no more feared the crowd.. I felt my loyal friend fear saying goodbye to me..That’s when I found that it was all in my mind and the best way to deal  with fear is to face it..Trust me it works!!!

Though I had few embarrassing moments, at the end of the day it felt like I found a different version of me all this while hiding in some unknown corner of my soul..

Image source :google

Image source :google

Fear

Fear .I fear the exact word.I constantly fear about the health of my parents though they are perfectly fine.I fear getting separated.I fear that someday all my dear ones would leave me.I fear they would get hurt .. I don’t know from where these negative thoughts have perched into my head. I get scared when a random stranger stares at me.(staring should be considered a crime..God I feel so uncomfortable when someone continuously stares 🙄 )

I know that I haven’t grown too old to burden my head with these weird thoughts..(does that actually have a connection with growing old? I don’t know). Now I even fear that these fears would actually turn me nuts..make my hair go grey..may be bald after pulling them out of stress 😆 It is high time I start facing my fears and move on in life (self note 🙂 )