From the heart of a coward

What is the most important quality you need to attain success ? He asked. We remained silent..Some said qualities like skills,knowledge,communication skills. I remained silent. In fear I was. I was scared whether he is going to shoot the question at me. It was our first day of campus training. Then he said it “Courage is the key element of success”. Yes one thing I lack I suppose. I live in fear.Fear of being judged..fear of making mistakes..fear of making fool out of myself in public. After a long session about different aspects of success he asked anyone of us to come forward and give feedback..So as usual yours faithfully sat there silent..yes out of fear-stage fear/fear of speaking in public/fear of being judging..you name it..Even provoking words couldn’t move me from my position..Ok he didn’t ask any specific person to speak..but anyone from the crowd and I was one timid soul in that crowd.

Two three sessions of the class failed  to make any impact on me..It was like calling a person with some others name..No use.. I was glad that the training was about to end after the next session and I have successfully escaped from being the center of attention.These training were for 2 days. Each day there will be 2 sessions..about three hours in the morning and three afternoon..

So after having a relaxing lunch from the hostel..we walked lazily to the classroom. There he was a tall arrogant looking man with a shining bald head..He looked somewhat like the Mtv anchor Raghu . I felt shivers run down my spine. Moreover we were late. He allowed us to enter the class after making faces. The man perhaps doesn’t even know the word ’empathy’. He was just rude to everyone.He would pass rude comments,made fun of us..I am the kind of person who wants a push to do something.Speaking in public I need someone to be specific and pick me out. I think he knew that secret. He gave a topic to each of us and asked us to speak about it for few minutes..He asked what my hobbies were ..Me confused even about who I am ,replied with the cliched hobbies-reading ,listening to music…So uncreative of me!!!!!! Next question was “Your Favorite singer?” Err who is my favorite singer..I kept searching each fold of my brain for a singers name..Rusty brain I suppose!!! Then I got the name Atif Aslam!!! Ok fine your topic is “Atif’ speak about him!!!!He said.

What ? I know nothing about him ..How am I supposed to speak  a full 5 minutes about him..I felt my fear knocking hard at my heart..as if it will burst my heart. I felt like running out of the door..Good thought!! but absolutely stupid. Finally I decided to  take the chance..I went there and spoke something rubbish…Then there was a mock interview. I sat before the  class and all of them were asked to shoot a question..To be frank it felt good..I found my fear slowly melting away..I no more feared the crowd.. I felt my loyal friend fear saying goodbye to me..That’s when I found that it was all in my mind and the best way to deal  with fear is to face it..Trust me it works!!!

Though I had few embarrassing moments, at the end of the day it felt like I found a different version of me all this while hiding in some unknown corner of my soul..

Image source :google

Image source :google

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Back from dead

Waking up from the dead and watching how life unfolded without you.. Is your lover remarried? Is your mother over your loss and likewise.

It was indeed a long sleep..How long had I been sleeping? Where am I? I slept in the open? Is this a graveyard? I shrieked. The shriek  felt strange I thought. How did I end up here..I read my name on the gravestone. My name artistically carved on with some poem that didn’t make sense to me or didn’t relate to me..

And then light of memory hit me..It is my grave..I remembered the way I suddenly fell on the road, crowd flocking around. No one dared to come forward and touch me,take me to the hospital. I could just hear the murmurings,some sympathizing me.What were they wondering? What were they trying to see? A reality show of how someone gradually let the soul leave their body.

Then some stranger pushed aside the crowd and came near me..Lifted me up..The crowd warned him not to get into trouble.He gave a deaf ear to them.Then we traveled to the hospital I guess..That’s all I remember.

I should perhaps run back to my home..They might be shattered on losing me..It feels like it has been years since I saw my family. I dashed to my home. I didn’t find dad at the sit-out reading newspaper. For the past 20+ years this was his routine in the mornings..May be my death has changed him. I expected a large portrait of mine in living room but to my astonishment a family portrait hung on the wall..We four..bright and happy smiling,hugging each other.  At least now they should have given me some priority I frowned..

I walked in..I didn’t find anyone..I walked into the dining room. Oh its breakfast time. It felt strange..Our breakfasts were never silent.They sat around the table..Four plates neatly placed.Why four? They are only three.

“Mom She loves this dal curry..Serve some more” I heard my brother saying. I saw my Mom loading my plate with  my favorite dish. No she didn’t cry but her eyes looked swollen as if there were no tears left. Dad ate in silence.He looked much older and different.

That is when I understood why my photo wasn’t hanged on the wall like it was normally  done after people die. They didn’t want to believe that I was dead..

Condition Serious Hai

Some people are more serious than they should be.They tend to think in one perspective…whether it be a fun event,wedding or meeting,the  reaction is always the same ..the serious straight face..Need examples ??? I have plenty…

images (3)

Image courtesy: google

Our maths professor for instance.Mrs S brings our maths class to an environment that is a mix of being at the borders where war is at the peak plus that at a funeral. I have never seen her smile.We literally hold our breath for the entire hour. The whole ambiance is so tense..

At the very first day she gave 3 valuable rules for the class..

image

Image courtesy: google

There were several other rules by default..No smiling,talking in the class and so on…By chance you get lost in some thoughts you are the luckiest person to get the full attention of Mrs S…

Don’t ask me whether I am still studying at school…I am an unfortunate pg student living the life of a school kid…

If  Mrs  S was less serious what would have happened? ..We might  have enjoyed our classes better..Her being serious did us no good in fact did more harm..Most of us couldn’t even attend the class with full heart. So why be serious if the other way round could do a better job..Thankfully we got back our breath as Mrs S had to teach us for just one semester…

I am not going to whine about all serious people here and make this post serious like Mrs S ‘s class..There are some others who know how to light up others life.. Like  seriousness , happiness is more contagious..Recently I met a bunch of such people at a funeral..Yes at the funeral..my little brother(cousin)’s  funeral…They were so warm and were trying their best to cheer up the family. Though it’s highly inappropriate to laugh and say jokes in such a situation but it meant a lot for the family reviving from the deep shock…These people are from the said cousin’s paternal side.They were also equally upset as we were.. perhaps more; but they knew that his family needs a push to move on in life. So they just hid their sorrow and tried to spread love and happiness..Though the wounds could never be healed..for a moment their infectious smiles made us forget our loss…He was equally dear to them …They could have joined us mourning our loss but they chose the other path..cheering us back to life.. And I must say it did help to an extend..

So why be serious ..seriousness is contiguous so is happiness.Why not take the better one and spread smiles around.. 🙂

PS: The first two pictures are taken from google and the last one from Cadbury 5 star fb page…

This post is as a part of ConditionSeriousHai contest .

You can check their fb page

the Cadbury 5 Star Facebook page

Wish I loved you more

A life I thought I had in hand

to love you..

Prettiest bud in this garden you were

withered away

before you could even bloom..

how I wish

this were a nightmare

And you wake up again my dear..

I promise I would love you like no one ever had

I know I am a fool

wishing you would wake up from this sleep…

All I could now is to say goodbye

but this goodbye seems hard

I fear I would never say…

TO BELIEVE OR NOT TO

Do you believe in horoscopes? I don’t…No!! not completely..When someone (read :some crazy astrologer) tells of some great amazing stuff that I would achieve in life..then for that moment I would wish it were true..A sudden belief sprouts from nowhere..Of course it would vanish with the same pace..Summing up I would say I don’t believe in it.

Once someone told me that my horoscope it says that  I am a talented singer..I almost offended him my laughing my heart out..I am not even a bathroom singer..How could I not end up laughing like a maniac … 😀 Continue reading

Know me better

I have nothing to write and I badly want to scribble down something here ,so why not do this tag by janusramblings 🙂 Thanks MM.

1. Are you named after anyone?  Yes ,after my grandma. My 2nd name..And spooky fact is that she died the same day I was named  😥

2. When was the last time you cried? Fact is that I cry every now and then..I cry even when I am too much excited and happy..You know ‘the tear of joy’..My emotions are mostly inappropriate for the situations.but not the other way round(I don’t laugh when I am sad )..I think there is something wrong somewhere…

3. Do you have kids? mmm yes..my blog …overly neglected baby by its mommy.. 😆

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? Of course ..who wouldn’t love to be friends with me..atleast I should say that 🙂

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not always ..but I do..when I don’t want to hurt the other person but want him/her to feel that I don’t agree or when I feel offended.

6. Will you ever bungee-jump?  A  big yes..I would love to..I get excited at the very thought.I am waiting for that day…:)

7. What’s your favorite cereal? Had it been sweets..I would have given a long list ..but cereals?seriously?..(let me tell you a secret ..I wish my Mr perfect be diabetic..so that I need not share chocolates and such goodies with him.. )

8. What’s the first thing you notice about people? Eyes I guess(I think one can read through people’s eyes ) and their attitude..

9. What is your eye colour?  Black

10. Scary movie or happy endings? Happy endings..However I love watching scary ones with my friends at hostel..Not that I am scared..but its real fun..A closed dark room with all 8 of us around the laptop and a scary movie  playing..Its more fun than watching a full time comedy film.. some saying funny comments,some with their eyes shut when the ghost shows up..some tightly clutching each others hands .. We end up laughing till our stomach hurts..I don’t know  whether you got what I meant… 🙂

11. Favorite smells? hmm vanilla,smell when it first rains,mint,coffee..err I don’t know whats my favorite smell is..

12. Summer or winter? yay for Summer .I am totally a summer person..winter turns me off..Though winter is not severe here I end up wrapped in blankets. I cant stand cold..also the skin woes – dry skin.

13. Computer or television? Computer

14. What’s the furthest you’ ve ever been from home? hmm……

15. Do you have any special talents? Next question please ..Ok I do paint and draw but not an expert ..

16. Where were you born? Kerala aka Gods own country 🙂

17. What are your hobbies?  Reading books,blogs..discovering new blogs..I simply click from one blog to another ,read,continue..apart from that  I am a full on movie person..(are these called hobbies? I should seriously find one at least to answer them for my upcoming job interviews )

18. Do you have any pets?  No. I am scared of dogs.I like  cats but prefer watching them at a distance..

19. Favorite movie? It’s again a big list….pursuit of happiness, ps I love you,serendipity,yeh jawani hai deewani(I love love this movie. It makes me happy),home alone series ,ice age,monster in law ..just like heaven,knight and day,tangled(I have watched it more than 3 times. I am in love with Eugene !!! )..These are what that came into my mind now..Should I write all this down?

20. Do you have any siblings? yes an elder brother 🙂

21. What do you want to be when you grow up? Already grown up!! :/ If there is more to grow..God please add a few inches to my height..Did I ask too much ? Ok then  at least 1 inch? I am just 5.2 / 5.1