From what I once was

I miss me.Yes you heard it right.I miss the old me…the one who used to dream with open eyes..the one who never nodded  yes when she had ‘no’ in her mind ,the one who always spoke out her heart. I am now far from what I once was.I have learnt to adjust if that word make any sense..to behave according to people’s expectation,to smile when it pains inside..scared to say no for the fear of being judged..to be someone I don’t even recognize so that I don’t lose someone I love or I stop telling the truth for the fear of them getting hurt. At the end of day I end up with a handful of smiles that I earned by not being me.

Recently I have been spending almost my entire day with these two people who call me best friend. But the fact is that I don’t even consider them friends. No am not cold-hearted .It takes sometime for me to make friends and once they are, they are forever..But these two,they are entirely different..I can’t even relate to what they are saying..It feels like I don’t even belong there. But I never say because I don’t want them to get hurt.Yea that is dishonest of me.I spent wasting my time with them when they don’t make me anymore happy and am doing no good to them as I am faking. It is not that I hate them, I like them but somehow I feel something is not right.I should tell them..But then what will I say? It doesn’t make any sense.So does this post. isn’t it ?

Now today I feel both sad and good.It’s kind of nice kind of sad. Realization is the first step I think..realizing that being you makes you more happy. I could feel that the loneliness that is covering me today doesn’t kill me anymore or should I call it solitude.It feels good.It feels good being me again.

Love

-Al

Image courtesy : Google

Image courtesy : Google

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2 thoughts on “From what I once was

  1. Go ahead and speak. I have been in a similar situation for years. You think that you are being kind in not hurting them but it is a kindness which will go unrealized. If they are entitled to speak their mind then so are you. Adjustments and compromises in such relations bring disappointments in the long run.
    You don’t have to severe the relationships but make them understand your own needs and choices. Cheers 🙂

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